Reclaiming control

Lately I've been slipping. Good habits have given way to old, familiar sins.

Less thoughtful reading, more doomscrolling. Less writing, more mindless consumption.

"As long as it's not social media," I told myself, "it's not really that bad." Completely ignoring the fact that any online place of gathering centred around point-scoring hottakes rather than thoughtful discussion is indistinguishable from the next.

"At least I'm not on my phone all the time," was the justification I used, "so that's pretty great." Oblivious to the fact that I grabbed my laptop to check, update, scroll the same sites over and over again at every possible opportunity.

My wife and I have often talked about how life seems to be a long series of cycles where you pull yourself together, do well for a time before eventually slipping up again. Then you reach a point where the situation becomes untenable and the cycle starts anew.

I've come to accept that this is part of life. Part of the human condition. We cannot do well in all aspects, at all times. Thus, as our priorities shift ever so slightly, on account of necessity or want, we inevitably start slipping elsewhere.

Picking running back up was the trigger. That passion came bundled with less constructive habits. More recently established behaviours, good for body and mind, gave way.

One thing stuck. I managed to avoid relapsing back into phone dependency. Instead, my laptop became the outlet for these mentally exhausting behaviours. I think that is a good thing.

Nevertheless, I found my mind reverting to old ticks. The urge to hit refresh one last time. To get back in front of the screen for a quick check. Just more hit. Turns out the delivery is of less importance; the drug is potent no matter the device.

I do think that "detaching" myself from the laptop is a slightly more appealing proposition than another round of weaning off a phone dependency. So there's that.

All of this to say is that this month I am making some changes.

The goal is to eviscerate the destructive habits that crept back in. To bring back the ones that are good for me. To replace doomscrolling and mindless consumption with thoughtful reading and writing. And whatever else I might end up doing with less time in front of a screen.

These are the rules I'm giving myself for September:

1. A 30 minute daily time limit on my laptop.¹
2. No increase in phone screen time.

That's it. Those are the rules.

I have this feeling that as long as I'm able to get away from the screen, everything else will sort itself out. I could set goals for reading and writing. But I don't think that'll be necessary.

Let's find out. I'll report on how it goes.