Crisis mode
I have this built-in coping mechanism (I guess?) that is, on one hand, useful. On the other hand, it’s really fucking dumb and bad. The coping mechanism is that when a crisis is happening, I am very calm. I go into “deal with it” mode. I swiftly bottle up all emotion and stuff it down into a small dark locked-down place. I do not freak out. I do not melt down. I assess. I make decisions. I take action. I am fucking good in a crisis.
I remember discussing this with a therapist. I told her that I sometimes long for a crisis because crises are easy.
The pressure of a crisis pulverises the superfluous. There are no "what ifs" and "maybe buts" during a crisis. Choices disappear. During a crisis all you can do is what must be done.
What comes after is the hard part.